Contest Entry - MAKE STAMPS OR DIE!

[pikkewyntjie.livejournal.com]

Not my scan, obviously. but I thought it would be a good one for the contest. The version you usually see around the interwebs does not have all the text, not that the write-up helps much.

Basically, it boils down to the dude being ticked off because she wants to go to the ladies' room and gossip instead of talking about postage meters all day. I'm not a legal expert, but I think if he kills her, it would only be a manslaughter charge in most states.
 

 

For six months I bend the ears of the home office to get a postage meter. I win... Then the only good, fast, dependable, honest-to-Gregg stenographer I got, this redhead Morissey--balks at a postage meter!

"I have no mechanical aptitude. Machines mix me up, kind of," she says. As if we asked her to fly a P-80. I almost blew my top.

This postage meter, I explain, is modern, more efficient, a time saver...No more adhesive stamps. No stamp box, and who's got the key? No running out of the stamps you need. No scrounging. No stamp sticking. Just set the lever for any kind of stamp you want, for any kind of mail, and the meter prints the stamp right on the envelope with a dated postmark--and it seals the flap at the same time. Faster than mailing by hand. Prints stamps on tape for parcel post. Will handle anything we have to mail out of this office. Even keeps its own records!

And metered mail doesn't have to be postmarked and cancelled in the post office, gets going earlier. It is practically heaven's gift to the working girl...and so on. But with Morissey, no soup.

I try diplomany. "Miss Morissay, I want you personally to try it for two weeks. If you don't like it then--back it goes to the factory! I depend on your judgement implicity. Okay?"...She acts like an early Christian about to be lunch for a lion, but gives in.

So help me--two weeks later she has a big pink bow on the handle of the postage meter--like it was an orchid or something. I give it the gape.

"Kinda cute, ain't it," says Miss Morissey. "But a very efficient machine, Mr. Jones. Now the mail is out early enough so I get to the girls' room in time to hear all of the dirt"...I wonder is it always illegal to kill a woman!

We are always learning some new advantages of the postage meter. If you'd like to learn what one could do for your office, call the nearest Pitney-Bowes office. Or write for an illustrated booklet.

 

Comments

[zorinlynx.livejournal.com]

(I realize you didn't scan this, but I feel the need to rant about whoever did)

I think there should be a penalty for scanning any ad at a lower resolution than required to easily read the text. Ten floggings should be good.

I see poorly scanned vintage ads like these all over, too. Why don't people know how to use a friggin' scanner? o.O

[leahtaur.livejournal.com]

I can make out "She acts like an early Christian about to be fed to a lion, but gives in" and "I give it the gape." Ha. XD

[cionaudha.livejournal.com]

It's not legal if the woman has red hair. We're endangered.

[murakozi.livejournal.com]

I dunno that I'd want to use that thing either. It looks like it'd easily grab clothing or fingers and suck 'em right in.